


one night & one more time.

by beccyz



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 15:52:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12039207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beccyz/pseuds/beccyz
Summary: On some nights he wakes up and feels the familiar warm body beside him. Other nights he doesn’t wake up and sleeps until morning to be woken up by the familiar smell of coffee. And on rare nights, he wakes up when that familiar warmth leaves the bed and doesn’t come back until morning. He stays awake until he’s back, and they have breakfast with each other without talking about their problems. He ignores the unfamiliar cologne that covers his partner’s skin or that his clothes are rumpled as if they had lain in a bundle on the floor all night. He smiles and kisses him as if nothing is wrong. They should talk about it, but they don’t. Sometimes it’s easier to ignore a problem than to approach it. Sanghyuk is good at ignoring the obvious problems that haunts his relationship.





	one night & one more time.

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** This is a work of fanfiction. I don’t own any of the Vixx memebers mentioned in this text. Please note that this is a work of fiction and that it does not in any case represents the true identity or character of the Vixx members. 
> 
> **Warnings:** Contains implications of suicide and suicidal thoughts, mentions of depression, very angsty
> 
> There’s also a part with sexual content, but it’s not very explicit, so don’t expect full blown smut just because this is rated.
> 
> I wrote this in like an hour while listening to some ballads. It’s probably not my best work, but I still wanted to post it. I hope you enjoy it anyway. I’m working on a longer fanfiction, but it’ll still take some time and editing until it’s going to be posted. 
> 
> P.S.: Yes the title is a fall out boy reference. Listen to thanks for the memories, it's great!!

 

 

On some nights he wakes up and feels the familiar warm body beside him. Other nights he doesn’t wake up and sleeps until morning to be woken up by the familiar smell of coffee. And on rare nights, he wakes up when that familiar warmth leaves the bed and doesn’t come back until morning. He stays awake until he’s back, and they have breakfast with each other without talking about their problems. He ignores the unfamiliar cologne that covers his partner’s skin or that his clothes are rumpled as if they had lain in a bundle on the floor all night. He smiles and kisses him as if nothing is wrong. They should talk about it, but they don’t. Sometimes it’s easier to ignore a problem than to approach it. Sanghyuk is good at ignoring the obvious problems that haunts his relationship. 

 

He doesn’t acknowledge the fact that Jaehwan leaves their bed in the middle of the night and simply goes to work. He tries to tell himself that it is normal. Every relationship has their ups and downs. It was normal not to talk to each other and act as if everything’s all right. Their conversations were flat, meaningless and all the same. How was your day? What do you want to eat? Does this need to be washed? Sanghyuk missed the times when they would stay awake all night and tell each other about their dreams, what they want for their future. Once, they had dreamed about living together in a nice spacious penthouse, both with good jobs and adopting a puppy. They had made all of this happen, but they weren’t happy. They should’ve dreamed and fantasised about being happy and not about all those materialistic things. He would do anything to go back to those times when they had lain in the back of his old truck. When nothing but their kisses had mattered and the rain hadn’t bothered them. 

 

They both weren't teenagers anymore, and they weren’t desperately in love with each other no longer. It was normal, that love turned into something deeper, but it hadn’t happened to them. Sanghyuk still waited for it, for that deep loving feeling whenever he beheld Jaehwan. He felt a tug at his heartstrings when he looked at his partner, but he was certain that it wasn’t love. It was nostalgia for the old times. For those times when his lips had been the only ones that left marks on that milky skin. When his name had been the only one that left Jaehwan’s lips at night. It was another man that made Jaehwan feel good, another man that tasted those lips and worst of all, it was another man that made Jaehwan smile. 

 

It was the first thing that had entranced him when he had met Jaehwan. That big, honest and beautiful smile. It had been able to brighten his day in seconds and all worries had been forgotten as long as Jaehwan just smiled at him. Nowadays that smile rarely touched his partner’s lips. There was only a weak smile that he sent Sanghyuk’s way. A smile that meant nothing, that could've been directed at a stranger. Sanghyuk knew that if he really worked on himself and on their relationship that this bright smile might belong to him again, but he was so tired. Everything exhausted him and it was a struggle to get out of bed every morning. He had never told Jaehwan about those feelings of exhaustion and random sadness. He didn’t want to taint Jaehwan’s brightness with his darkness. However, with every passing week, he felt worse. It should be easy to talk about it, but words never left his mouth. Everything was always alright or okay. Nobody should see him like this. 

 

Sanghyuk kept his depression to himself and pushed Jaehwan further away from him. He had ignored his partner’s affection for too long, too exhausted to accept it, so Jaehwan had found someone new. He had found someone that gratefully accepted all the love he had to give. Sanghyuk was actually happy for Jaehwan. Happy that Jaehwan hadn’t lost hope and found someone new, someone that loved him. Sanghyuk had loved Jaehwan once, but all his feelings had vanished over time. There was only room for the fear inside of his chest that ate him up from the inside. The anxiety that shredded him to bits every day, and he tried to fix himself every time. It was becoming harder to keep that perfect mask, to smile at Jaehwan and kiss him. 

 

They both knew that they were running in circles. There was nothing that they could do to fix themselves. They ignored their problems and just smiled at each other. Sanghyuk went to work during the day while Jaehwan went to his affair at night. It didn’t even bother Sanghyuk, there was no jealousy, no anger. There was nothing inside of him. Nothing could fill this endless void that spread through his whole being. He had tried everything. Drinking, smoking, therapy for a few weeks, but nothing worked. Maybe he wasn’t cooperative enough or didn’t want to be healed from whatever was eating him up. He had stopped trying after too many fails. He only tried to smile and kept on his mask for Jaehwan. It was Jaehwan that kept him going and the older one knew that as well. It was the only reason why he hadn’t left Sanghyuk yet. He knew that he was Sanghyuk’s anchor, the one that kept him bound to this earth, but Sanghyuk saw how Jaehwan was starting to crumble underneath all that weight. 

 

He had decided that it was time to stop all of this. It was time to stop running in circles. For once, he had to take the initiative. He was waiting for Jaehwan to come back home from work. Sanghyuk had quit his job today after his boss had screamed at him for the third time. He was starting to change things, and he hoped that Jaehwan would understand that change. A dinner was prepared for both of them. Of course, Sanghyuk hadn’t cooked himself, or they would’ve ended up with food poisoning. Jaehwan looked surprised when he saw Sanghyuk sitting next to a setup dining table, only candle light illuminating their home. 

 

“What’s going on?”

“Dinner.”

“Did I miss our anniversary again?”

“No, not this time. I just wanted to treat you.”

 

Jaehwan smiled, he smiled that beautiful smile for the first time in months and it made Sanghyuk’s heart beat faster. Maybe he was still in love with Jaehwan, but it wasn’t strong enough to compete against his depression. Jaehwan sat down opposite to Sanghyuk, and they talked while having dinner. It wasn’t their usual flat conversation, but like it had been in the past. It was easier than expected to slip back into their old roles. Into the old Sanghyuk and old Jaehwan that had been stupidly in love with each other. It made Sanghyuk’s heart ache so severely that it nearly took his breath away. 

 

“That was the best dinner we had in a while!”

“I’m glad you liked it.”

“I’m glad that we talked!”

 

They smiled at each other and it was bittersweet. Jaehwan knew why Sanghyuk had set this all up. They both knew what would happen, but as usual, they didn’t acknowledge it. Jaehwan stood up after wiping his mouth with a napkin. He walked towards Sanghyuk who watched his every step until the older one settled down on his lap. They had spent a lot of nights like this before everything had changed. Sanghyuk’s eyes roamed over Jaehwan’s neck to his jaw, over his lips and nose to his deep brown eyes. His heart ached when he looked into those eyes, those eyes that had once looked at him as if he was the only thing that mattered in the world. Now, those eyes reflected worry and sadness for Sanghyuk. He hated it. Jaehwan should never look sad, never. One of Sanghyuk’s hand touched the back of Jaehwan’s neck who immediately leaned forward to press their lips against each other. 

 

Kissing wasn’t something new between them, but it was a passionate kiss. Their kisses had been reduced to random pecks and their body contact lowered to a minimum. Sanghyuk had missed the taste of Jaehwan, the way their mouths glided perfectly against each other. It evoked a tiny fire inside of him, a tiny fire of passion that gradually spread through his body. It was so easy to get lost in Jaehwan’s kisses. They had always made Sanghyuk forget everything, every worry and every thought. 

 

Sanghyuk took hold of Jaehwan’s thighs and stood up. Jaehwan didn’t break their kiss and simply wrapped his legs around Sanghyuk. It wasn’t hard to find the way into the bedroom because they had done this a thousand times before. However, this time it felt different. They hadn’t been this close in a long time and Sanghyuk felt that old spark between them again. It was weak, but it was there. He laid Jaehwan on their shared bed without breaking their kiss. Jaehwan had never liked to break their kisses, he would always whine until Sanghyuk’s lips were pressed against his again. 

 

Clothes easily found their way to the bedroom floor and soon the air felt hot and sticky. Sanghyuk had a hard time breathing, but it was worth it. It was worth it to see Jaehwan panting underneath him. Their bodies were pressed together closely, his hips moving at a slow pace that made Jaehwan moan loudly. Their hands were intertwined the whole time while Sanghyuk thrust into Jaehwan over and over again. They took their time, enjoyed each other’s warmth and the pleasure that burned their skin. That feeling of desperation just before the orgasm hit them. Sanghyuk tried to burn this moment into his brain so that he would never forget it. That he would always remember how hot and tight Jaehwan had felt wrapped around him, those moans that fell from Jaehwan’s lips and that only belonged to him. The way Jaehwan hiccuped his name in between, always begging for more and Sanghyuk always gave him everything. It tore at him more than he had expected. He felt his heart break over and over again, but Jaehwan fixed it every time. He kissed away every tear that slipped from his eyes, held him closer than before and chanted his name again and again. Sanghyuk felt alive, more alive than all those past weeks, but it was a fleeting feeling, and he chased after it. 

 

Sanghyuk had collapsed on Jaehwan’s chest after they had hit their high. Their bodies were sweaty and sticky and they had to catch their breath. Jaehwan’s fingers massaged his scalp and Sanghyuk could’ve fallen asleep, content with everything, but reality hit him hard in the face. He rose his head and Jaehwan understood him without a word. They kissed again before they rearranged their positions. They faced each other but didn’t touch. Sanghyuk felt himself break again, but this time Jaehwan couldn’t fix him. He couldn’t stop Sanghyuk’s heart from breaking. He could only offer Sanghyuk a weak smile, that smile you would give a stranger. It tore him apart, ripped him to shreds and he couldn’t pick up the pieces. He couldn’t keep his mask in place anymore. He didn’t want Jaehwan to see him break down completely, so he turned his back to the older one and let the sobs tear through him. 

 

“I loved you Sanghyuk.”

“I know. I loved you too.”

 

Silence settled around them, all the pent-up tension had vanished into thin air, and they acted as if they were going to sleep. Jaehwan ignored Sanghyuk’s trembling body while Sanghyuk ignored Jaehwan’s sniffing. It was easier to ignore their problems. It was easier to slip back into habit than talk about it. 

 

That night Sanghyuk was the one to slip out of bed. It was his time to leave their home in the middle of the night. He made sure not to make a sound, but he could’ve sworn that he saw Jaehwan’s eyes blinking at him. He ignored it, didn’t acknowledge it as he left their bedroom. A bag was standing next to the door where he had packed all he would need for his trip. He had thought about leaving a note but decided against it. Jaehwan would only try to find him and it was easier to just let it slide. Jaehwan shouldn’t think about him anymore. He should leave this penthouse and live with his new love. Live with the person that could love him without hesitation or boundaries. Sanghyuk wasn’t going to be that person, and he was more than sorry about that. He wished that he could’ve been a better partner for Jaehwan. He should’ve worked harder on himself, instead of always running away and ignoring problems. He had loved Jaehwan, but it hadn’t been enough. It would never be. 

 

He took his bag, glanced at the home he was leaving one last time and left it. He left everything behind without an explanation. Jaehwan would surely understand. He had known that something was off. Sanghyuk walked out into the streets, the night air surrounding him and an unknown future ahead. There were so many possible paths. He could start over in another city, maybe even in another country. He could find someone new, someone that he could love with all his heart as he had failed to do with Jaehwan. Maybe he would take the next train and simply drive off to nowhere. Or he could jump off the big bridge as he had imagined too many times, even as a child. There were so many possibilities, and he wasn’t sure which one to take yet. Only one thing was certain and that was that he would never know that Jaehwan would wake up the next day, the other side of the bed empty and cold while sobs tore through his body and mumbled under his breath over and over again: “I should’ve told him I love him. I shouldn’t have lied!” 


End file.
